Never Fails.....When You Realize Your Life Really Is An Episode Of Seinfeld

You know those moments you have when that phrase "Never fails..." is the first thing outta your mouth?



That moment- (ladies)... when you are mid-stream on the toilet and glance to see their is NO TOILET PAPER! (in my case, this specifically is caused by living in a house where YOU are the ONLY women, and men/boys are incapable of replacing the empty roll)....................................NEVER FAILS

That moment...when you start to drop your drive-thru drink and your hand goes into "Terminator Hold Mode" thinking you can prevent this catastrophie, but you actually crush the cup and it EXPLODES in your face/shirt/lap!!..................................NEVER FAILS

That moment...when you go into your OB/GYN appt (third trimester) and realize you forgot to bring your cup of morning pee with you *palm to forehead*...BUT the nurse says "No problem, you can use our bathroom"....................You pee..........in the cup...........The cup catches............. on the edge of the toilet seat and you dump it ALL OVER your britches (yes, britches is a real word) and have to spend a half hour in the bathroom trying to dry your pants...all the while a nurse is beating on the door thinking you have passed out.................................NEVER FAILS

That moment...when you have been dabbing at the stream coming from the corner of your eye with the Kleenex (extra soft with lotion) because today is peek season for pine pollen and your car matches Shrek! The FedEx guy comes in with a package and you wonder why he acted SO awkward....???....so you go check the mirror....and see a square of one-ply Kleenex stuck to the SIDE OF YOUR FACE...................................NEVER FAILS

That moment...when you have just finished riding a wooden roller-coaster and every part of your body is NUMB!......you reach to check your earrings...but something more important grabs your attention....you have regained feeling in your upper body and now (in a crowd of people, AND wearing a white shirt) realize that your FRONT-HOOK bra was apparently jiggled loose during the ride because the cups are under your ARMS!!.....................................NEVER FAILS....oh! AND...you lost an earring.....yup :)

I don't know about the freak in the front seat...but poor choice of clothing for you ladies in the back there!  If she doesn't have black eyes she be saying "Where is that breeze coming from....?....OHHHHHH"

That moment...when you were14 (you know...that age when the tom-boy in you starts to take a second seat to... "boys"!) and the neighbor boy down the road-  whom you have climbed trees, played ball and rode bikes with- shows up for a visit while you are outside (can't hide now)  and you have been caught in jean shorts so short that if Dad comes home and sees you in them they won't find your body....but you are stuck!, so you stay outside...climbing on the swing-set and showing off some of those mad skills...cause really...your almost a gymnast..right?...Then, the unimaginable happens...... the crotch of your Daisy Dukes busts leaving you with what is now the shortest miniskirt in HISTORY! 

Where's really tall grass when you need it????

You have no choice but to stand still..... hoping...PRAYING that he doesn't notice, leaves quickly, AND that your Dad does not come home!.............................NEVER FAILS...........since the first two didn't happen you are forced to make an excuse and awkwardly walk backwards to the house BEFORE the third thing happens.....DAD!!!!!!!!!!!!

That moment...when you decide to skip school with your boyfriend on the rainiest day of the year and you go to your Great-Grandma's house cause she isn't home and you CAN'T get caught...right?
So....when you go to leave your boyfriend "thinks" instead of backing up and leaving tire marks he will just follow the circle drive...only, IT WASN'T A CIRCLE DRIVE!!!! IT WAS PART OF THE YARD!!!! and now his car is stuck up to the hubcaps! You call a friend in desperation to see if he can pull you out before Grandma get home and before you're late getting back to school..... but that didn't work...nope....they really just succeeded in making more deep ruts in your Grandmothers yard!...............NEVER FAILS......Yes,....I had to call my Dad :(        My back-side hurts just typing this.

***Public Service Notice*** 

DO. NOT. SKIP. SCHOOL!!!

It's a Booger County Life...
SuzyQ